Texas likes its killin’, and Bigfoot is on the menu

It’s no surprise to anyone that Texas bests its Southern and Western neighbors in gunplay and hunting, or to put it simply, “shootin’ and killin.’” It was in Texas, after all, where former Vice President Dick Cheney injured a friend by getting a little trigger-happy.

And let’s not forget the feral hogs. Your little pink walking ham escapes from the ranch, gets involved wild pigs, grows out its hair and tusks and then becomes a serious danger to crops and property. As a result, it’s open season on these swine all year long.

It may also be so for the beloved Sasquatch.

Sure enough, according to NPR project StateImpact Texas, Bigfoot would be considered an invasive species and legal to shoot and bring home for a tasty barbecue.

“If Bigfoot did exist, and wasn’t human, then it would [be legal]. Bigfoot would be a non-protected wild animal,” L. David Sinclair with the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department tells StateImpact Texas.

So, yes, it would be legal to kill Bigfoot in Texas. “It’s right out of the law book,” Sinclair says.

This all came up recently when an Oregonian man wrote to Sinclair, asking whether or not it’d be legal to kill Sasquatch in Texas.

But if you’re looking to get some Bigfoot in your life, it’d be much better for the Sasquatch and everyone else to check out “The Long Way Home: A Bigfoot Story” instead. And if you want some good ‘cue, go take out one of those mean ol’ hogs.

And remember your mama tomorrow, y’all. If you can call, call. If you can go, go. And if you can do neither — be nice, eat something good and make sure there are no wire hangers!

by J.L. Mann Cromer, Jr., who served as the only true independent member of the South Carolina General Assembly from 1990-1998. Currently, he is a general practice attorney in Columbia, S.C., concentrating in probate and estate planning, criminal defense and personal injury law.

With Wes Wolfe. He wrote for 11 newspapers in five states and is the marketing coordinator for ACEC Virginia.